These are just some of my own views on this whole thing. It doesn’t mean I am right.
I remember having an existential crisis after my first few weeks of working in corporate America. Is this really going to be my life until I retire? Wake up in the morning, commute to work, sit at a desk and attend meetings all day, commute back home, spend whatever energy I have left with my wife and do things I want to do, and then repeat it all the next day?
To be honest, my mental health got very bad those first few months due to this new routine I had to adapt to. It wasn’t even that I didn’t like my job—alhamdulillah (praise be to God)—I got a job in what I wanted to do and have a great manager and team. The fact that this was just it for me didn’t really sit right.
Obviously, my goal is to hopefully start something on the side until it can generate enough income where I don’t have to work anymore, but that would take some time.
I remember sitting at my desk, thinking about how, as a man, this isn’t what I should be doing. I should be out hunting for food right now, riding a horse, and using a bow and arrow—all those things men did in the prehistoric days to live and provide for their families/tribes.
Now, this is where it may get a bit controversial...
In my humble opinion, society wants to “domesticate” men. They don’t want men to be men anymore. Instead of physical work, most men (not all men, I know—most have physical jobs) are expected to sit behind a desk and attend meetings all day. When a disagreement arises, passive-aggressive things are said via email or virtually in a meeting.
Back in the day, men would settle their differences in other ways…well, they may have been violent ways, but at least they didn’t let it just build up inside of them and end up doing something rash.
Within marriages now, some women are the breadwinners, and the man just stays at home to take care of the house and kids. Now, there’s nothing wrong with that. If that’s what works for the couple, then good for them. In some cases, if the man is injured or has a chronic illness and can’t work, the woman would have to work to help out. But you see it more and more nowadays, where the man has no issues but is okay with staying at home and stuff.
Men cannot tell their women what to do, even if it's for a good reason. Otherwise, they’re labeled as toxic or showing toxic masculinity. Yes, sometimes men take advantage and control/manipulate their women, which sucks. But nowadays, if a man tells his partner to change their clothing or something along those lines, he gets shunned for it.
A lot of guys I know who are married are controlled by their wives because they’re too scared to say something and be labeled something they’re not. Yes, this isn't the majority, but it is becoming more common. There’s no respect for each other's roles within the relationship. As much as women want to fight for equality, we can never truly be equal. Men and women both have things the other won’t have but will complement each other.
You see men nowadays acting very feminine or not holding any values a man should have. These behaviors are encouraged by society and are being taught in schools to young boys. When did it become okay for a man to wear a dress or identify as a female?
Men are encouraged to be very emotional and show their feelings all the time. There’s nothing wrong with that, and maybe it's just my toxic masculinity showing, but back in the day, men didn’t do that. Here and there maybe, but a lot of the time they hid this from the outside world. Now you have men recording themselves crying and posting these videos online for the world to see?
This is something that is disgusting and is becoming more prevalent in our society. You see the trend of men letting their partners be with other men. Sadly, this disgusting thing is growing within the Muslim community as well. How, as a man, can you be okay with that? You are no man at all.
A few months back, I was with my wife at the mall as she wanted to shop. While standing in line, there was a father and his daughter in front of us. The daughter had to be in middle school, no older than that, but the way she was dressed was horrifying. As a father and man, how can you let your daughter be dressed like that at that age? Do you have no gheera (protective jealousy)?
This goes back to what I brought up earlier about how men are scared to say anything now as they’ll be labeled as toxic or controlling. Or maybe not even scared, but just slowly coming to terms with it and letting it be.
Friends play a big role in all this as well. Some men hang out with other men who don’t hold values men should have and become weak. I will perhaps write about the benefits of having righteous friends soon.
This whole letter may sound like a rant, or to you, it may sound ignorant. Maybe I am—who knows. It's just something that’s been on my mind and I wanted to write about.
There is something pernicious in society that is causing men to lose their manhood and causing women to become more like men and men to act like women. The role reversal is a disaster in couples and many couples can’t stay together if they do not follow their God-appointed role in the family. It results in resentment and loss of self respect. Maybe not right away, but eventually. Many women have a hard time understanding how hard it is to do a 9-to-5 or 60 hour work week, unless they’ve done that kind of work. Both partners need to have empathy because caregiving is a mind numbing experience also. It’s a relentless series of demands on your body and mind to meet every physical, mental, emotional need of kids. I thought my corporate job was hard, but nothing prepared me for how hard it is to raise children in America with proper adab. You need to have good companions with the same aakirah goals, otherwise you’ll be sucked into the American culture of disrespect and confusion.